Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Leif and I are doing a post holiday detox.
Our week long cleanse of choice is high in lean proteins, restricts added salt, limits natural sugars, severely curbs carbs, introduces massive amounts of raw vegetable and fruit roughage, and forces us to drink enough water to float a boat.

I miss cheese.
We both have a dull headache.
Leif wants a Diet Coke very badly.
I am very open to the idea of eating a giant slice of coconut cake.
And that is a seriously weird thing for me to want.
Leif would probably like a beer or a chip or a peanut.
Other than that we're good.

On this zany little diet we have to have an "appetizer" before we eat our dinner.
Let me be clear, when I say "appetizer," you'll have to get those visions of shrimp cocktail, mozzarella sticks, antipasto and those freaking bloomin' onions out of your head this instant!
Oddly enough, that shameful 2300 calorie laden flower cut fried onion is sounding almost as good as that slice coconut cake to me right now and I have never eaten one before in my life.
Maybe these odd food fantasies are a sign this diet is working.
After all, the detox is supposed to "control food cravings" and clearly it is.
I think I am losing focus.
Our "appetizer" tonight was 16 ounces of tepid water and a plate of spinach as big as Leif's head.
I think "detox" is fancy talk for "diet that will exhaust you with all that chewing."
Not to mention our stomachs slosh.
By the time we got around to eating our dinner we were practically buoyant and the thought of chewing that whole 3 ounces of lean saltless grilled steak was just too much to bear.
We filled up on a lot of nothin' so we wouldn't want a lot of somethin'.
Oh my God, I am participating in a food fake out.
We are embracing the illusion of full.
Happy freaking New Year.
I'll have a shot of water for you and chase it with raw Brussel sprouts.


Anonymous said...

Life's too short for tepid water and spinach.

Tee said...

And don't forget to gnaw on a piece of celery while you're at it!

Mary said...

Good for you guys! Within 2 weeks the cravings should subside. Why no diet coke? It has nothing in it good for you, but zero calories and zero carbs

Mel said...

Mary- We can't have ANY artificial sweeteners. Our sugars come in the form of a half a banana or 1/2 C grapes in the morning and an apple or an orange around 3pm.

And Tee...I can have all the celery I want at any moment! Delish!

Penny said...

Hilarious, Mel!!! My goodness, the chewing alone must contribute to your noggin ache! Look at it this way, your skin must be loving you right now and I imagine you are glowing from all of that H2O.

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