Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Don't Cha?

My grandma, Virginia Schmelzer, was an incredible woman who did not have an incredible body. Maybe she did in her heyday, but for the time I had the privilege of knowing her she was what you would call...squat. At 4'11, she was always on the round side and frankly I loved that about her. She was one of the smartest people I have ever known and one of my biggest wishes is that Leif and the kids could have known her. To this day, however, I am stunned that I turned out to have Grandma Schmelzer's body. Sure, I carefully disguised that lurking reality behind years of dancing, sparse eating, and generally aiming to keep my self skeletal and capable of wearing a boys size 14 at age 20, but then I had a baby, became a chef, and blamo...hello Virgina. Nothing, I repeat nothing, has been the same since.

I fight the good fight though practicing yoga and keeping a sense of humor about the whole thing. Recently I discovered the free fitness work outs Comcast offers through their On Demand service. They hover in the 20-40 minute range and offer a variety of work-outs from Calorie Burn to Ballroom; I have been trying out a new work out every week-day to assist in combating Ginny's body...and today I discovered this:
Yes people, that says Cardioke.
I hate Karaoke, but it was a 30 minute cardio work-out created by the son of the dude who created Taebo and I KNOW that was cool back in the days when Grandma Schmelzer was skinny...how could I go wrong?
Okedoke, picture this...
I am in my living room wearing pajama pants and an over sized t-shirt, I have not showered, I am dripping sweat, doing the freaking "cardioke slide," as I belt out a version of the song "Don't Cha." Yes, I closed the front blinds.
I am practically hyperventilating as I screech out lyrics like...
"don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
As I start jumping rope with out a rope and hoping that I don't knock myself out with my own breasts, I consider the poor Pussycat Dolls and how they probably never considered this as a potential state of "hot" when they wrote this song. Sweet Jesus, Pussycat Dolls, I am embarrassing you.
I start running in place with jazz hands and bellow...
"don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?"
Now that seems more appropriate because I am suddenly aware that this version of "Don't Cha" is playing at about four times it's normal speed and I sound like I should be part of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Emma was a toddler right around the time Kidz Bop hit it's stride. This phenomenon entailed a chorus of wholesome children chanting hip and cool songs at a really slow pace in order to endear toddlers to the idea of singing their hearts out. In our house, it broke bad and I had to listen to the half-time version of Christina Aguilera's, What a Girl Wants on repeat every day all day for what felt like one hundred years until something very mysterious and still unexplained happened to that CD.
"don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?"
I am singing and dancing and suddenly thinking about Kidz Bop. Somewhere between taking my moves old school and realizing the Black Eyed Peas were totally coming up next I had an ACT style epiphany...the Cardioke philosophy is the EXACT opposite of the Kidz Bop philosophy:

Kidz Bop is to youngsters singing slowly as they get bigger as Cardioke is to old folks singing psychotically fast as they hopefully get smaller.

I swear it felt like a moment of clarity; I felt smart; I couldn't feel my calves, but had justified the existence of Kidz Bop and Cardioke in one fell swoop.
And it was at that exact moment I dissolved into a fit of laughter and embraced the absolute lunacy that had over taken my living room. I kind of thanked Grandma Schmelzer for passing along her genes because this whole thirty minutes was pretty damn funny and probably wouldn't have happened without her.
"don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't Cha? Don't Cha?"
I am totally doing this again tomorrow!

5 comments:

Angela said...

This was really funny. I almost want to join you -- almost.

Mary said...

thats hilarious! Keep on jumpin and a slidin

Penny said...

Oh to be a fly on the wall! You are insanely funny.

Mariannell said...

couldn't we get the Frank Sinatra version?

Nubia Chaidez said...

So your hubby shares some of your funniest blogs with us, and I couldn't resist in commenting on this one...I think I'm gonna have to try this workout! Based on your description alone, I'm game.

On another note...my silly workout plan right now is learning the choreography for Thriller for a webcast at the end of this month. Yup...I'm doing the zombie walk!

I hope to one day finally meet you Mel....thanks for being so darn witty and for posting pics of Lucy Sprinkle that I share with Rose Sprinkle :)

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